How can I stop being submissive?

In the psychology of the masochist, experts see sexual submission as a mechanism for processing the fear of rejection. Those who give themselves completely will not be rejected and make themselves unique to others with their own will. That too leads to a bond. This applies to both men and women. However, female emancipation has also ensured that female submission seems increasingly attractive to some women in bed. The contrast does it. In everyday life, women have to function, play a role and be just as strong as the world of men. Whether at work in the management of the group, as a mother or a successful partner: women are self-employed and nowadays have everything in their own hands. In a sexual relationship it therefore seems attractive to simply let yourself go, let someone else rule and just follow you. It's not always about submissive behavior; intense surrender is also a way of letting go that seems impossible in everyday life. An important aspect for many women is also the acquittal of responsibility. By relinquishing the lead, the subordinate cannot help what is being done to her. This frees many a lady from various feelings of shame. The idea of ​​security is also a reason - the man takes care of everything. In many women the desire for a captivating bond slumbers, both on the spiritual level and on the physical level - with female emancipation, it is only talked about less publicly.

Dominance as a male symbol: why men want to control

The psychology of the sadist states that he wants to maintain his self-esteem by dominating another. Many people fear rejection and devaluation, especially in the intimate sexual area. By demanding submission, he protects himself from rejection and can give free rein to his lust. Just Men are evolutionarily as well as socially trimmed to the stronger sex and pursue more dominant sexual fantasies. The hunters and gatherers have to conquer, assert themselves against resistance, fend off competitors, protect the offspring and display their power. But here, too, emancipation has wreaked havoc. In a modern partnership, both partners have equal rights, nowadays women also take the important steps in the game of seduction and the man is weakened in his dominance. The partner should be the sensitive understanding of women who does not confuse the best friends with macho sayings and, at best, reads every wish from the lady's eyes. Hardly a man dares to take on the leadership role. But it is precisely the erotic part of the relationship that should be separated from this modern understanding. Because very few women want a frightened man who stops abruptly as soon as she screams a little. In bed he should kindly show his strength and just be his man!

There is only one true rule - but who really has the power?

When speaking openly, men and women usually harmonize against all odds. Sometimes it's just surrender, sometimes light leadership, but when dominance meets submission, it's not nearly as clear who's really in charge here. Because the subordinate exudes an erotic power through his devotion, in which the dominant is tied up with his lust. Then who is seducing whom here? Isn't it also true that Anastasia seduces her Christian Gray into a completely different kind of relationship that he originally wanted? With her "no" she always has the reins in her hand. Tip: Feel free to get inspiration from books and films - the topic of dominance during sex is often discussed there.
Ultimately, only one rule actually applies to sexuality and love: What is allowed is what you like: If both partners enjoy it and neither experiences any suffering - why should something be taboo? Go ahead, ladies: talk about your secret sex fantasies. And if you find a like-minded partner on the couch at home, you can choose a seminar as an introduction. Here dangers are pointed out, important handling rules are taught and essential basics are imparted. Because especially with too impetuous beginners, unwanted accidents occur in the new role-playing games, which spoil any desire to continue. And nobody wants that, right?

How do we bring dominance games into our sex life?

We have long dreamed of trying out dominance games during sex, but we don't really know how our partner will deal with the desire? It is the same for many women, but also many men dream of dominance and submission during sex. As already mentioned, it is over 80 percent of women who have such fantasies. The question now arises as to how we tell our partners about our wishes. There are no specific instructions for this. Anyone who has only had flower sex so far will probably find this conversation more difficult than couples who are already so hot.

We can pack in a very soft and gentle way that we would like to be tackled tough. For example, we could read a novel like Fifty Shades of Gray or Crossfire to fall asleep and let our partner take part in it every now and then and read something aloud. In this way we can wait for our partner's reaction in a subtle way before expressing the desire to try it for ourselves.

Another option is to just drop the door in and say, "You, I would like to try out dominance games while having sex with you". It is best not to generalize the topic, but to include our partner directly in our wish. If that's too much all at once, you could carefully feel your way forward with statements such as: "I would think it would be hot if you gave me a pat on the bottom during sex."

So there is absolutely nothing against it if we dare to take this step and express and act out our submissive inclination. Just because we are into sex when the man dominates us doesn't mean that we are submissive in everyday life. Dominance during sex is a matter of its own and shouldn't be a taboo. It's okay to live out your own preferences and needs.

What if my partner behaves submissively during sex - and I would like it to be dominant?

The clearest and most effective way to change that is of course to talk to the partner about their needs. Could it also be exciting for him to take on the dominant part? It's worth a try! However, it is essential to pay attention to how the proposal is formulated. The sandwich version is best: First a compliment, then the request, and finally another compliment. Conversations about sexual needs are very intimate matters that we are often super insecure about. This method prevents hurting the other. For example like this: “I love sex with you. How about you show me where to go next time? I like it when you hold the reins in your hand. "

Another attempt would be the non-verbal variant. We could just seduce him into the game of submission! This works, for example, by offering ourselves in certain positions in which he is practically forced to dominate. For example in the doggy position. We can also be submissive during the blowjob, although we take on the active part. To do this, let your partner stand upright while we get down on our knees in front of them - so they automatically assume the dominant role. A role play can also help to express the desired preferences uncritically. If appropriate figures are chosen, e.g. teacher and student, it is clear who has to perform which "tasks".

Dominant, submissive or both at the same time?

While the dominant person is basically on power during sex, the submissive person likes to be dominated and subordinates himself to the partner. It is possible, however, that one and the same person finds both roles exciting. These are so-called Switcher. You switch back and forth between the various options - depending on what you want and what is on offer. If you like both parts, that's great, of course: You are flexible in bed and can adapt to your partner's preferences. As always, the basic rule is: Before exercising dominant moves, always obtain the partner's permission first!

Do's and don'ts in dominant sex

Before it gets down to business with dominant sex or BDSM, it is essential to clarify what is allowed and when a certain limit is exceeded for one person. There are some rules that couples should follow when having dominant sex. First of all, both partners should talk about their needs and preferences before the game of submission begins. If couples have dominant sex for the first time, this topic must be explained in detail so that both can indulge in the role play. Everything that has been discussed in advance is therefore allowed. If the dominant part wants to try something completely new and extreme, it must be discussed in advance. Because the submissive partner may be confronted with a practice that is an absolute taboo subject for him. In general, the dom (dominant part) should always make sure that no serious injuries are inflicted on the sub (submissive part). Shackles are allowed, but it must be ensured that no body parts are pinched off and that the shackles can be released quickly in an emergency. For this, both should adhere to certain rules.

Rules for dominant sex

Dominant sex should only be performed at full capacity. Both partners should be in optimal physical condition and also mentally in top shape. Intoxicants are an absolute no-go in BDSM. The Dom and the Sub should neither have consumed alcohol or intoxicants. The risk of not recognizing possible dangers is simply too great. A security word should also be specified. The submissive partner can express this if he wants to interrupt or even stop the game. The term should be a neutral word and not “No” or “Stop”. Colors such as red or purple or types of fruit such as cherry or strawberry are popular.